The opportunity to travel and meet people from other cultures and see other parts of the world has changed me. It has made me who I am today. When I was 12 my family spent 3 months in Brazil. I returned a completely different person. I remember flying home just a few days before I was going to start middle school. I was a little nervous, but more excited. Then I got home and saw some of my friends and immediately felt insecure about my clothes and shoes. After spending the entire summer in Brazil, I left a lot of my things there and returned home with only 3 pairs of shoes. I was fine with that until I was reunited with my friends and all of a sudden the thought of beginning middle school with only 3 pairs of shoes was unacceptable and I had to buy more. My experiences in Brazil stayed with me, but I slowly re-immersed in American culture. I hate it that I lost touch with many dear friends in Brazil, but my life in America over-powered my desire to stay united with our Brazilian friends and experiences.
Throughout college I traveled a lot, mostly short trips here and there, but they always challenged me and shaped me. In 2007, I traveled to Guatemala from May to August to study Spanish. I had a rough first month; I missed familiarity. But by the end of my trip, I had fallen in love with Guatemala and its people and its culture. For the first time in my life, I felt proficient in another language and could communicate with a population I never could before. I was more relaxed, more content, and I enjoyed the little things like walking to class in the mornings or sitting on a curb with a child selling bracelets. I felt like I was able to really be present in each moment and had the freedom and joy to really invest in the people around me. I became friends with a lot of families who couldn't afford things we consider necessities in America. For the first time in my life, poverty had a face and a name and I encountered it every single day.
In the middle of my summer in Antigua, I lived for a short time with my Spanish teacher. We became good friends and spent most of our evenings sitting at her kitchen table talking. One Saturday she had a commitment so I had most of the day free to myself. I sat at her kitchen table, opened my Bible to Matthew 1, and read straight through for about 4-5 hours. I was shocked, humbled, and frightened by the multitude of verses regarding poverty, equality, and God's will for us who have more regarding those who have less. I think reading those verses, while experiencing and seeing so much poverty every day, completely changed my life.
I saw that God holds us to a very high standard when it comes to how we treat those who have less. We are called to
give out of our plenty. Our love is measured by our
actions toward the poor. And perhaps most awakening is that He puts Himself on
the side of the poor and sees Himself as one of them. These verses spoke to the depth of my heart.
When I flew home, I had a connection in the Miami airport. The different "feel" in Miami was shocking. Everyone was rushing, no one seemed to look at anyone, eyes were glued to plastic screens, and don't even get me started on the price for a slice of pizza. I was in shock. I missed the familiarity and simplicity of Guatemala and I felt like I didn't belong in this culture. I called my mom and sobbed on the phone. I honestly didn't know how I was going to readjust. After I got off the phone with my mom, I called a friend and cried again with her. I sat at my terminal and cried for probably 35 minutes. I don't think a single other person around me even noticed.
Thus began my culture shock and readjustment to life in the US. The next few months were hard. I was in a crisis. I didn't know who I was: how could I have lived so easily and comfortably with so much excess before? And I didn't know who I wanted to be: should I just conform and fit in? Should I fight it? How will I ever be accepted? I had a lot of trouble with the excess that I saw around me everywhere. I wouldn't enter a mall. I shunned Starbucks. I even remember crying at a Panera because a salad was so expensive. There was this massive tension that I could not come to peace with and I didn't know how to respond.
Eventually I leveled out a bit, but I have never been able to return to the same person I was before that time. I drink Starbucks today and I do go to a mall from time to time, but I still have trouble with purchasing new things or seeing excess. Just last year I cried in a Kohl's parking lot over a pair of black boots. The tension remains.
It has alwasy been extremely difficult for me to verbalize these experiences. Let's be honest, we all have past histories that have shaped us in ways that other people just can't understand. The idea of living a child like faith that allows me to simply trust in God for everything often scares me. I often fail. But my heart is most alive when I am being challenged to get out of my comfort zone and serve the least of these. The foundaiton of it all is the greatest challenge of my life, which is to see and serve God all around me.
I'm still dealing with the tension. I still don't really think I fit into typical American culture. I accept the fact that I have been exposed to very different worlds and they do not fit well together. And my attempt to fit into both has been difficult. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, trying to accept my privilege and not feel guilty for it and trying to always remain aware of the poverty and needs around me. I will always live with this tension, but I'm learning to be okay with that. I guess it's part of life. It's part of living in a world we are not made for.
All that to say, I'm a little worried about returning to US culture. I'm going to try to avoid connections in Miami. ( : I'm praying for God to prepare my heart and my mind and to allow me to focus on the important things. I plan on going for long runs and journaling a lot. As always, your prayers are more than appreciated. May God show us all how we can best LOVE and serve Him in the cultures and communities we reside. Amen.
