the adjustment...

"How has it been since your return to the States?" -- I've received this question numerous times the past few weeks. Hmm. Where to begin? How long do you have? Usually I smile and say something like "It's great to be closer to family and friends." It's just so hard to answer that question, there are so many things to say, so many things I'm still processing.

The easy answer is that the best part of being back, by far, is the people. Getting reacquainted with our community, catching up with family, reminiscing with friends...those are definitely the best parts of being back.

But there are also challenges, moments that make me feel like a foreigner, like a stranger. I don't know how to live here. How much is too much, how much is just right, how many questions can my mind tolerate before I self-implode.

Looking for jobs has caused us to question what is priority: jobs we're passionate about or jobs that push us out of comfort zones. We ride the tide of needing jobs to afford to live here and searching out jobs that help us find purpose in living here. We want to work and live in a community where we can dig deep in relationship, in service, in opening our home. Right now, it's all on hold and we're living in a space of not knowing what our lives here are going to look like.

When I think back to our life in Guatemala, it was so much easier to get involved in the community. There were needs everywhere you looked and people willing to engage in relationship. We met so many people by just walking up and down the streets:

We met Belem while eating sandwiches at a bakery. Soon we were coloring and singing together.

We met Lucia and her son, Tomas, on the street where they sold typical Guatemalan items to tourists.

Elias runs his parent's store, mostly on his own. We met him buying a headband.

Raul and David became friends when we first arrived and always joked about David's "love" for tomatoes.

It was easy to make new friends, it was easier to identify needs, and it was common to respond and try to help. It's so different here. We build walls around our needs and only let select people in. Some of us are prideful and don't want to accept help even when we need it. There are so many more barriers that you have to work to overcome before you can even get to know the individual or the need. In Guate there were so many natural opportunities to get to know people, build friendships, and share resources.

I take a step of vulnerability and admit that praying here feels different too. I know it's not true, but sometimes it feels like in the US we don't "need" God for our everyday needs. Back in Guate everyone I talked to, either personal friends or families that came to our office for assistance, everyone accepted the fact that they needed help and they needed God. It was very cultural for people to end conversations saying "If God wills it, we'll see each other again." People were so desperate given their poverty that they prayed to God for everything: corn, a blanket, some milk. Obviously the differences here are stark. If we need milk, we don't pray for it. We buy it.

I don't know what to make of these differences. I wish I could meet people easier and am confirmed that I will just have to work harder here to overcome those barriers. I think we should all pray more with a childlike faith, going to our Father with every need. But, the truth is, we don't have to here. We create our own opportunities to provide for ourselves. We don't have to ask God for it. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't. But it's obviously not cultural here to do so like it is in Guate. I struggle with this. I say it again: I don't know how to live here.

So those are just some of the differences I'm experiencing and how it's affecting our "adjustment back." That's why it's so hard to answer the initial question. Of course we're glad to be back, but it's not as easy to just accept things like I did before. I question a lot more and it's a tiring road. But I think it's good for me, I think it's necessary, and I don't fear living in the questions. When I question more, I find myself depending on God more, and that's always a good thing.

back at it

I know, I know...we're not doing well updating our blog. Since returning to the States I've been having a love-hate-more-hate-than-love relationship with technology. I am amazed at the ease and convenience (and speed!) of technology and online interaction. But it seems surface-level at best and seems to draw people into themselves more than out toward others. I struggle to find a desire to get on facebook, and when I do it's always disappointing. Plus I spend hours online every day looking for jobs so when I have a free hour or two in the evening, getting on my computer is the farthest from my mind. Hence, no blogging either. But I want to do better. I know that technology can serve a good purpose and so I will try to do better.

Here we go....living in the States again. It's been such a treat getting together with friends and family and spending quality time with people. There's a lot to catch up on and "get to know" (our extended family gained 3 babies, 2 pregnancies, and 1 fiance while we were gone!). There seem to be a lot of physical changes (homes, jobs, schooling) but over-all I've actually been shocked at how many things are still the same. A year is really not a long time when you look at the big picture.

One huge adjustment upon returning was driving. We didn't drive anything (except David had a bike) for the entire year we lived in Guate. We walked everywhere and really grew to love it. When you walk to and from places there are so many natural opportunities to say hi to people along the way, catch up with the shop-keeper you pass on main street, or give a hug to the bakery owner's daughter. It was the best way for us to get to know our town and the people in it. You couldn't walk more than a block without seeing a familiar face and greeting them. I miss this tremendously.

I feel very isolated now. We drive around in our spheres of metal and have almost no opportunity to talk to anyone as we zoom past. It's quicker and more time efficient, but driving is also more isolating and draws you in to thinking about your day, your schedule, your timeline, and how many minutes you have to get to your destination before you're late. So, coming back it was not something I looked forward to. But the make-up of our cities is so different it's hard to avoid. If you want to see someone, you basically have to drive to them.

About 2 weeks ago I was driving on Interstate 465 to go see my cousin and I was rear-ended, spun out through 3 lanes of interstate traffic, and hit the median. It was by far the worst wreck I've ever been in. At one point I faced on-coming traffic head on and thought for sure I was going to be hit by a pick-up. Thank God I walked away without any injuries. But my desire to drive, or be in a car, plummeted and now I really hate driving. Before living in Guate, I had to tell myself to slow down and quit speeding. Now I find myself driving below speed limit and I have to remind myself to increase acceleration. It's crazy! I think David is rather pleased with my new driving tendencies, as he always thought I sped too much before. My car was totaled and we're down to being a one-car family. It's okay for now, but once we both have jobs (Lord haste the day!) it will be more difficult.

Job searching is dauntingly slow and tedious. It's completely electronic and on-line, which I hate. If I could just meet someone face-to-face and have a chance to talk about my resume or experience, I think I'd have a chance. But right now I'm an electronic resume and one of hundreds of applicants without a face. It's tough to just get an interview.

But thank God for our parents who have opened their homes (and refrigerators) to us. We definitely could not do it without them. The majority of our stuff is still stored away in our parents' garage and basement, so it hasn't been too crazy attempting to go through all of our stuff. I know somewhere there are still suitcases of clothes and shoes that we still haven't seen, and I think I'd like to keep it that way for now. The thought of unpacking and realizing how much stuff we own causes me to cringe a little. More on that later...

So those are the "logistical" updates of living back in the States. I want to blog more soon about the "inner-emotional" updates of living in the land of plenty. Overall, we're doing well adjusting and taking it all in. It is such a huge blessing that David and I have each other and can converse about things we aren't comfortable with or blessings in disguise. Sometimes we reminisce about Guate and all we can say to each other is how much we miss it. I think we're realizing that Guatemala challenged all of the answers we thought we knew and held dear, and now we're given the painfully beautiful opportunity to live amidst the questions.

I leave you with one of my favorite benedictions, which has been close to my heart since we've returned:

"May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen"

The past two months....

It has been a while since I (Jenny) have posted, so here is an attempt at a very quick, comprehensive summary of the past two months (give or take).

December: Worked almost every weekend, sometimes 10 hours a day putting together food baskets to give out to needy families. While we gave out about 1,300 food baskets, there were still many families begging us for food, and each day became increasingly more difficult to say no. Draining, exhausting, and confusing. Still dealing with many unanswered questions from these few weeks.
Christmas: We LOVED having family visit us. We packed the days full so they could experience our daily lives, meet our new friends and neighbors, and enjoy the beauty of Lake Atitlan. It was sad to see them go, but we're so grateful that they came!
Home: We moved to a new apartment in December. It was a difficult decision, but we felt it was necessary. While we really miss Santiago, we're hoping to continue to see him regularly. Our family was able to visit him in his home while they were here. He graciously borrowed a table, chairs, and glasses from his neighbor so we could have a place to sit and drink Cokes with him and share tamales. It was a great time of community.
Health: A few weeks ago David was the sickest I've ever seen him. It was terrible (and I'll be honest, scary) to see him so ill. We ended up having to take him to get a shot to reduce the number of times he was vomiting. He's fully recovered now, thank God. I've stayed relativily healthy, except for waking up with huge bug bites on my back, arms, neck, and face. Still not quite sure what is eating me at night (and why David doesn't have a single bite), but I now wear bug spray to bed. Blah.
Church: Our church pastor and his wife went home (Florida) for Christmas and most of January, and asked David and I to lead the Sunday gatherings while they've been gone. David has done a great job sharing from his heart, but it's Saturday night and I'm not sure what we're going to talk about tomorrow...
Spanish: While we've both come a long way with our Spanish abilities, we're looking to challenge ourselves at home. We're thinking of implementing Spanish Thursdays (in honor of you AU friends).
Books: Thanks to a very generous and awesome and sweet friend (I will not embarrass her here), we were gifted with a Kindle for Christmas! My parents and brother loaded it up with books and brought it down to us. I've loved having so many books at my fingertips.
Meals: Many of you have probably heard how we eat a basic diet of black beans, carrots, and potatoes. Well, thanks to our parents and the many groceries they brought down for us (how I've missed seasonings from the States, BBQ sauce, and granola bars!) and thanks to another generous, kind, and very thoughtful friend who sent us a Christmas package, we've received lots of yummy meals and treats! We feel like we're eating like kings!
Community: We feel blessed to live here, but definitely miss our family and friends back home. Email and Skype are wonderful, but not the same. I have come to dread facebook and barely get on because it often depresses me to see so many people I love so far away doing so many things I can't be apart of. I knew that this would be part of the deal when moving overseas, but there have been some difficult days. Thank God for my wonderful husband who listens to me when I'm lonely and plays games with me when I miss our old game nights with friends.

Well, I guess that wasn't as short as I intended, but now we're all caught up. ( :