the adjustment...

"How has it been since your return to the States?" -- I've received this question numerous times the past few weeks. Hmm. Where to begin? How long do you have? Usually I smile and say something like "It's great to be closer to family and friends." It's just so hard to answer that question, there are so many things to say, so many things I'm still processing.

The easy answer is that the best part of being back, by far, is the people. Getting reacquainted with our community, catching up with family, reminiscing with friends...those are definitely the best parts of being back.

But there are also challenges, moments that make me feel like a foreigner, like a stranger. I don't know how to live here. How much is too much, how much is just right, how many questions can my mind tolerate before I self-implode.

Looking for jobs has caused us to question what is priority: jobs we're passionate about or jobs that push us out of comfort zones. We ride the tide of needing jobs to afford to live here and searching out jobs that help us find purpose in living here. We want to work and live in a community where we can dig deep in relationship, in service, in opening our home. Right now, it's all on hold and we're living in a space of not knowing what our lives here are going to look like.

When I think back to our life in Guatemala, it was so much easier to get involved in the community. There were needs everywhere you looked and people willing to engage in relationship. We met so many people by just walking up and down the streets:

We met Belem while eating sandwiches at a bakery. Soon we were coloring and singing together.

We met Lucia and her son, Tomas, on the street where they sold typical Guatemalan items to tourists.

Elias runs his parent's store, mostly on his own. We met him buying a headband.

Raul and David became friends when we first arrived and always joked about David's "love" for tomatoes.

It was easy to make new friends, it was easier to identify needs, and it was common to respond and try to help. It's so different here. We build walls around our needs and only let select people in. Some of us are prideful and don't want to accept help even when we need it. There are so many more barriers that you have to work to overcome before you can even get to know the individual or the need. In Guate there were so many natural opportunities to get to know people, build friendships, and share resources.

I take a step of vulnerability and admit that praying here feels different too. I know it's not true, but sometimes it feels like in the US we don't "need" God for our everyday needs. Back in Guate everyone I talked to, either personal friends or families that came to our office for assistance, everyone accepted the fact that they needed help and they needed God. It was very cultural for people to end conversations saying "If God wills it, we'll see each other again." People were so desperate given their poverty that they prayed to God for everything: corn, a blanket, some milk. Obviously the differences here are stark. If we need milk, we don't pray for it. We buy it.

I don't know what to make of these differences. I wish I could meet people easier and am confirmed that I will just have to work harder here to overcome those barriers. I think we should all pray more with a childlike faith, going to our Father with every need. But, the truth is, we don't have to here. We create our own opportunities to provide for ourselves. We don't have to ask God for it. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't. But it's obviously not cultural here to do so like it is in Guate. I struggle with this. I say it again: I don't know how to live here.

So those are just some of the differences I'm experiencing and how it's affecting our "adjustment back." That's why it's so hard to answer the initial question. Of course we're glad to be back, but it's not as easy to just accept things like I did before. I question a lot more and it's a tiring road. But I think it's good for me, I think it's necessary, and I don't fear living in the questions. When I question more, I find myself depending on God more, and that's always a good thing.