back at it

I know, I know...we're not doing well updating our blog. Since returning to the States I've been having a love-hate-more-hate-than-love relationship with technology. I am amazed at the ease and convenience (and speed!) of technology and online interaction. But it seems surface-level at best and seems to draw people into themselves more than out toward others. I struggle to find a desire to get on facebook, and when I do it's always disappointing. Plus I spend hours online every day looking for jobs so when I have a free hour or two in the evening, getting on my computer is the farthest from my mind. Hence, no blogging either. But I want to do better. I know that technology can serve a good purpose and so I will try to do better.

Here we go....living in the States again. It's been such a treat getting together with friends and family and spending quality time with people. There's a lot to catch up on and "get to know" (our extended family gained 3 babies, 2 pregnancies, and 1 fiance while we were gone!). There seem to be a lot of physical changes (homes, jobs, schooling) but over-all I've actually been shocked at how many things are still the same. A year is really not a long time when you look at the big picture.

One huge adjustment upon returning was driving. We didn't drive anything (except David had a bike) for the entire year we lived in Guate. We walked everywhere and really grew to love it. When you walk to and from places there are so many natural opportunities to say hi to people along the way, catch up with the shop-keeper you pass on main street, or give a hug to the bakery owner's daughter. It was the best way for us to get to know our town and the people in it. You couldn't walk more than a block without seeing a familiar face and greeting them. I miss this tremendously.

I feel very isolated now. We drive around in our spheres of metal and have almost no opportunity to talk to anyone as we zoom past. It's quicker and more time efficient, but driving is also more isolating and draws you in to thinking about your day, your schedule, your timeline, and how many minutes you have to get to your destination before you're late. So, coming back it was not something I looked forward to. But the make-up of our cities is so different it's hard to avoid. If you want to see someone, you basically have to drive to them.

About 2 weeks ago I was driving on Interstate 465 to go see my cousin and I was rear-ended, spun out through 3 lanes of interstate traffic, and hit the median. It was by far the worst wreck I've ever been in. At one point I faced on-coming traffic head on and thought for sure I was going to be hit by a pick-up. Thank God I walked away without any injuries. But my desire to drive, or be in a car, plummeted and now I really hate driving. Before living in Guate, I had to tell myself to slow down and quit speeding. Now I find myself driving below speed limit and I have to remind myself to increase acceleration. It's crazy! I think David is rather pleased with my new driving tendencies, as he always thought I sped too much before. My car was totaled and we're down to being a one-car family. It's okay for now, but once we both have jobs (Lord haste the day!) it will be more difficult.

Job searching is dauntingly slow and tedious. It's completely electronic and on-line, which I hate. If I could just meet someone face-to-face and have a chance to talk about my resume or experience, I think I'd have a chance. But right now I'm an electronic resume and one of hundreds of applicants without a face. It's tough to just get an interview.

But thank God for our parents who have opened their homes (and refrigerators) to us. We definitely could not do it without them. The majority of our stuff is still stored away in our parents' garage and basement, so it hasn't been too crazy attempting to go through all of our stuff. I know somewhere there are still suitcases of clothes and shoes that we still haven't seen, and I think I'd like to keep it that way for now. The thought of unpacking and realizing how much stuff we own causes me to cringe a little. More on that later...

So those are the "logistical" updates of living back in the States. I want to blog more soon about the "inner-emotional" updates of living in the land of plenty. Overall, we're doing well adjusting and taking it all in. It is such a huge blessing that David and I have each other and can converse about things we aren't comfortable with or blessings in disguise. Sometimes we reminisce about Guate and all we can say to each other is how much we miss it. I think we're realizing that Guatemala challenged all of the answers we thought we knew and held dear, and now we're given the painfully beautiful opportunity to live amidst the questions.

I leave you with one of my favorite benedictions, which has been close to my heart since we've returned:

"May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen"

and we're back...

We have returned to North America once again.  We're still adjusting, still taking it all in with "new" eyes, still missing Guatemala and our friends there, but also very grateful. We returned to the US just in time to unpack, then re-pack, then leave the country again! We really wanted to make it to our cousin's wedding in Canada, but we weren't sure if we were going to be able to swing it so we kept it a secret. But I'm writing this from a patio view of beautiful British Columbia and the secret is out! We've enjoyed being in Canada on a lake surrounded by mountains...it reminds us a little bit of back home in Guatemala.

It was a crazy last couple of weeks in Guatemala. We met with so many friends and painfully said good-bye to them, not knowing when we'd be reunited again. There were many tears and lots of hugs and we were overwhelmed with the generosity of many under-resourced families who gave us beautiful gifts to remember them by. We had to get an extra suitcase from Mayan Families mainly to fit all of the gifts we received. We were overwhelmed by their generosity and love. While it was extremely painful saying good-bye, we know that we can never forget these friends and the blessing they have been to us. We will always be connected through prayer and fond memories.

Our last visit with the Rodriguez family. We got together on what would have been baby Merari's second birthday.

One last picture of David, Lucia, and Tomas (to appreciate the height difference between David and Lucia) 

We made bracelets with several children before we left as a fun farewell activity

Flying into the US we were stunned by huge parking lots, pristine highways, and about a billion Starbucks in the airports. But we were thrilled to be greeted by our immediate family members in the Indy airport and we all went out to dinner for endless salads (oh how I missed you salad!) at Olive Garden. It was wonderful to be reunited with all of our family and catch up on all the little things we missed over the past year. I only accidently spoke Spanish to the waitress once.

Being back is an emotional mix of everything: joy, anticipation, fear, sadness, shock, luxury, and everything in between. Our first morning back I went on a long run alone and decided that I wouldn't...I couldn't...look for answers. I had to find a way to live in peace with all the questions and all the tension. It never seems fair that we can come and go as we please, experience parts of the global north and south, and ultimately choose our professions, lives, and opportunities because we have the resources to do so. But I can't ask the why questions anymore. They lead me down a dead-end road of guilt and hopelessness. I will never have an answer for why I was born into a beautiful world filled with love and opportunity while so many are born into a world of pain and poverty. I will always be fuzzy concerning the fine line between building a financially stable future and not storing treasures on this earth. Is there such a thing as "being too generous" you may ask, and I have no answer. I have to be okay with not having answers. I have to find peace in the struggle, in the tension, in the messy dialogue. And that is my prayer as we return. 

David and I had about a billion conversations about US re-entry when we lived in Guatemala. Our last night in Guatemala I cried out of fear and deep tension. I felt like my heart was breaking and I would forever be leaving pieces of myself in Guatemala. But yet my heart is always with our friends and family in North America too. So I guess you could say my heart is broken. But you could also say my heart is growing as it remains with so many loved ones all over the world. And the truth is that my heart may be like this forever, stretched and torn and broken, yet perhaps more complete than it has ever been before.

So I'm slowly learning to find peace and contentment amidst the questions, the tension, and even a broken heart. God never promised us comfort and ease and that's not what I want to seek. In fact, I'm trying to cope with the pit in my stomach at the sight of so much comfort around me in North America. There are loftier purposes which we are made for and I humbly attempt to seek that uncomfortable and narrow road, step by step.

(Many have asked if we're going to continue our blog State-side and we have every intention to do so. Give us a bit as we re-adjust and get back into our rhythm, but we hope to update more frequently on our ideas and hopes for living back in the good ole USA)